The Moron-ing of Life
by leave your sanity at the door
Summary: A Monty Python inspired series of sketches, featuring the MP cast. Somewhere in time and space, there exists a secure institution solely for those deemed too chronically idiotic for the outside world. Although criminality and anti social behaviour are rife, idiocy is the one disease that must be contained and quarantined. Here is what occurs behind those monolithic walls.
1. tentacles

**A Monty Python inspired series of sketches about the moron-ing of life. Ongoing. Updated sporadically.**

**My own characters, written into the Python-verse and played by mid 70's versions of the guys, transported to 2013.**

**I own the characters, but their images, alongside inspirational copyright, belong to the Python team.**

* * *

Somewhere in time and space, neither the past nor the future, there exists a secure institution solely for those deemed too chronically idiotic for the outside world. Although criminality and anti social behaviour are rife, idiocy is the one disease that must be contained and quarantined. In this Fort Knox of an institution, we find three men in their late 30's: Loon (midnight-midday John Cleese; midday-midnight Graham Chapman), June (midnight-midday Terry Jones; midday-midnight Michael Palin), and Poltroon (midnight-midday Eric Idle; midday-midnight Terry Gilliam). The time you read this sketch at determines which Pythons embody them. They are titles, not free men; totally sane, but totally inane. They wear jeans with pyjama tops, mullet wigs, and musical socks.

Our first encounter finds two of them – Loon and June - in their beds, in Ward 6 of Glam-moron House For The Chronically Moronic. It is not in Wales, but it looks very glam indeed; the taxpayer is funding this elaborate secure facility to the tune of £1billion per annum.

**June:** Earlier on, Poltroon called me demented.

**Loon: **He did? Oh, the audacity!

**June:** Precisely. Because I'm not demented, am I?

**Loon:** Well, I-

**June:** I might hear the occasional blast of Norman Bates in my head once in a while, and I might feel inclined to respond to him, but I'm not demented.

**Loon:** Come to think of it-

**June:** I might have an obsessive compulsive bottle-chewing fetish and the urge to punch the number 3 on the phone repetitively, but I'm not demented. I might have meaningful conversations with the toaster and put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch, _and _I might sometimes have daymares about the ancestors of all the blades of grass I've ever trampled on in my life one day coming to seek revenge on me, but I maintain that I am in full control of my mental faculties! OK, so I don't necessarily agree with everything I say, but I am at one with my duality! I'm certainly aware of my character defects. OK, I drink wet cement on the first Tuesday of every leap year, but in some cultures what I am and do would be considered normal.

**Loon:** Let me put it this way: you must be demented or else you wouldn't be talking to me or Poltroon.

**June:** Hmmm... Now that you mention it, I've already developed a twitch in my neck and an uncontrollable wink in my right eye just from chatting to you today.

JUNE demonstrates.

**June: **Thank you very much for shooting my theory full of holes.

**Loon:** See! I've made a positive effect already! Soon, you'll be as demented as me and we can both go fly away with the migrating ducks in the autumn; once we've managed to unattach ourselves from this bloody place.

**June:** Hey, are you trying to usurp my newly-acknowledged position as President of Inanity?

**Loon: **What do you mean? I merely said-

**June:** Don't you dare even try to oppose me because you will fail miserably!

**Loon:** It was only an offer.

**June:** Oh…..well in that case, aye, let's go fly with the ducks, baby! Hey, where exactly do they go - the ducks - where do they go in the autumn?

**Loon:** Holland.

**June:** Holland?

**Loon:** Yes, they migrate to Holland. I can speak some Dutch you know.

**June:** On you go:

**Loon:** Ik ben de denkbeeldige vriend die je altijd willen dat je had!

**June:** Duh, what does that mean?

**Loon:** It means Dutch gerbil attacking off the starboard bow- oh! No, that's Ikke hakking der van ensow satanic geerbil maas. Yeah Loon, go back to bed!

**June:** I used to have a gerbil once. I called it Columbus cos it jumped onto a butter dish and sailed across the sink when I was washing up. It used to attack they flies off the starboard bow - jumped right up with it's mini baseball bat and attacked them. Scary creature was Columbus, so scary he scared the cat off and it never came back. If you saw him, you would never know fear like it.

**Loon:** Nothing and nobody scares me.

**June:** Columbus would.

**Loon:** NEVER!

**June: **Let's have a fight with giant cotton buds and see!

**Loon:** Cotton buds? Are you serious? You're _only_ talking to the Corporal Tooth Pick brandisher here. O_nly_ the one who claimed triumph, valour and victory in the War of the Beijing Mutilated Furbies!

**June:** Was this something to do with S&M or beastiality by any chance?

**Loon:** Oh no, no. We just liked mutilating Furbies.

**June:** Well, on second thoughts, I've no got time for a war actually. I've got the social event of the century to attend, you see.

**Loon:** Where's that then?

**June:** Ascot!

**Loon:** Ascot's not till next year, dummy.

**June:** Well, I have to prepare, don't I? I have to make my eccentric hat!

**Loon: **Only women wear eccentric hats at Ascot.

**June:** Come on; what kind of self respecting idiot would I be if I adhered to the stifling rules of mainstream society?

**Loon:** Fair point, fair point.

**June: **So yes, I'm off to Ascot with my impressive hat! It's a litter bin turned upside down!

**Loon:** Hmm... Maybe blue ribbons would help?

**June:** I could put a fake cow turd on the top. That would really got the crowd going! Going off I mean - running off, in all directions... away away! Away and fly! Fly with the ducks! Flyyyyyyyy!

JUNE looks thoughtful.

**Loon: **Hey June, notice something strange?

**June: **What?

**Loon: **Everyone appears to have tentacles.

**June:** Tentacles? Growing out of places where you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from?

**Loon:** That's it.

**June: **So it's really happening! The Triffids have arrived and they're going to take over the world! I'm not crazy 'cause you can see it too! Tentacles! Yes, tentacles! They've all got tentacles! Massive slimy huge octopus-like tentacles!Noooo! This is hideous! Hideous! I can't bear it! It's horrible!

**Loon: **No, it's the annual Christmas play.

**June:** _(_startled_)_ Huh?

**Loon:** It's our amatuer randition of a 1950's B Movie - "The Thing From The Deep" I think. Don't you remember how bored everyone was of the Nativity last year?

**June:** Errhhh... you sure it's only a play?

**Loon:** Yes.

**June:** Phew! Thank the Hubble Telescope for that!

**Loon: **Thank you, Hubble Telescope.

**June: **So it only means I've got the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia - that's all. Thankyouuuuu Lordy! Hey, about this Christmas play, how come I didn't know? I would've applied for the main part!

**Loon:** That's why they sedated you when all the casting was going on.

**June:** Bah! Doh! Bridget Bardot!

**Loon: **She was so last century.

**June: **She's vintage now! Get with the times, you 1970's microwaved ectoplasmic transplant!

JUNE looks at LOON again and suddenly notices he is putting boxer shorts on his head.

**June: **Ehrrr, whadda ya doing? Is that your costume for the play?

**Loon: **No, General Pancake Face in Ward 8 told me to wear boxers on my head because, apparently, it wards off evil dandruff spirits.

**June:** What's that got to do with the Chrsitmas play and me not getting a part?

**Loon:** Nothing - I completely changed the subject.

**June:** We never discuss one subject for long do we?

**Loon:** S'pose not.

**June:** Don't you think some subjects deserve a bit more 'attention?'

**Loon:** Which ones?

**June: **Me!

**Loon**: You egotist!

**June:** No no noooooooo; an egotist is a person who is more interested in himself than in me. Like you, for example.

**Loon**: But I'm great though. This institution would be a much duller place without me. Because I have the power! Power of what, you ask? Just the power, I reply. I am all powerful. I am the best thing since banana republics and everyone should know it!

**June:** Eurgh! How can you be so self centred?! We were supposed to be talking about me!

**Loon**: OK, you're terrific.

**June:** Thankyou!

**Loon**: Now roll on next subject!

**June:** Keep rollin' rollin' rollin!

**Loon:** Just... stop it. Fred Durst has no place in this conversation.


	2. terrapins draw blood

**_AN:_**

_No ferrets, weasels or stick insects were harmed in the making of this sketch._

_I own the characters. The Python posse own me._

* * *

The clock chimes 2pm; the time, that, for the trio of Loon, June and Poltroon, signals a self-imposed rule: one of them must tell an anecdote from their existence prior to incarceration. It is Poltroon's turn.

**Poltroon:**(clears his throat)I was not a veteran of the first world war.

**June:** I know. You were a coward!

**Loon: **A ferret of a coward!

**Poltroon:** A coward, yes, certainly. A yellow-bellied lilly-livered coward. But as for being a ferret I am not! All ferrets must die and their paws should be served as delicacies in Tunisian restaurants.

**June:** No, it's the weasels that must die! I had an encounter with a weasel, once. I was never the same again.

**Loon: **They're of the same family; why not just kill them both?

**Poltroon:** How about we just kill everything that moves?

**June:** In other words: let's play all the QUAKE series!

**Poltroon:** Quake's for teenage girls. I mean arm ourselves with M16's and (Samuel Jackson impression) BLOW EVERY FURRY CREATURE TO KINGDOM MUTHA FRACKIN COME! OH YEAHHHH!

**Loon:** Got that off your chest, have you?

**Poltroon:** No. I still harbour homicidal tendencies towards animals of the mustelid family.

**June: **Maybe you should speak to the shrink about that.

**Poltroon:** The thing is, I did. I saw two psychiatrists, but I led both of them to a nervous breakdown. The first one now has to be spoon fed, and the second one... well, the only thing he ever says is "HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST NOOOO! GET HIM AWAY!" Poor blokes, I almost feel ashamed for the damage I've done to them.

**Loon:** Almost?

**Poltroon: **Well, that's good enough isn't it?

LOON and JUNE shrug.

**Loon:** So you need someone of sterner stuff.

**Poltroon:** Yes. And they don't exist around here, with their paid for titles.

**June: **Dr. Crawford here didn't buy his title; he won it on a scratch card.

**Poltroon: **That's even worse.

**Loon: **And they put _us_ away for being idiots. Oh the hypocrisy!

**Poltroon:** So, what do you advise I do?

**June: **Well don't look at me.

**Poltroon:** You advise that I don't look at you? How's that supposed to help?

**June: **No no no; I meant, don't look to me for advice.

**Poltroon:** I wasn't.

**June:** You WERE!

_(_Cue parody of the atrocious number "Look At Me" by Geri Halliwell: _)_

**June:** Don't loooooooook at me. You can't be consoled because my service isn't free. Next time maybe close your eyes and don't loooooooook at me-

**Loon:** Stop it. You'll bring on the monsoons again.

**June:** Alright.

**Loon:** No I'm half left actually.

**June:** That's astounding! I'm dead centre!

**Poltroon: **_(_in sarcastic tone_)_ Oh My Gaaaaaaad That's Amazing! I've never met anyone 'dead centre' before. I've met people alive centre but not dead... or am I taking things too literally?

**June:** I shuhbugabuga you not, I'm dead centre.

**Poltroon:** Shawimmywimmy.

**Loon:** Ding dong merrily on high-cycles.

**June:** It's true - I used to be alive but seriously brain damaged centre but now I am DEAD CENTER! Bang on, dead centre.

**Loon:** No, you're just dead, or at least you should be.

**June:** TRAITOR! You'll be sorry for saying that! I'll buy a terrapin and sic it on you!

**Loon:** Ah, but your pet terrapin would meet its death when faced with Bob the fearless stick insect!

**June:** I doubt it very much. Terry the terrapin would snap Bob in half! Terrapins draw blood!

**Loon:** Well I'll train Bob to draw pictures, so there! Make pictures, not war.

**June:** To that I must defer, my friend. There is absolutely NOTHING that beats a stick insect that draws pictures. That is real _talent_! I think you should expose Bob to the world and make gajillions out of him!

**Loon:** I would try, but now I imagine Bob would get all shy and refuse to draw anything other than little stick men with turbans on, which is of no interest to anyone other than stick men wearing tubans.

**Poltroon:** Heh, give him some of my mystik mouth ulcers, and hey presto, Bob will be instantly rejuvenated!

**Loon:** Nah. I'll just burn him whilst laughing hideously.

**June: **Like a baddie in one of those awful B movies! That really fake laugh, like "Bwahahahahahahaaaaaa! Bwahahahahahahahahaaaa! Haha! Ha...ha..."

**Loon: **No. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Like that.

**June: **Oh…_(_nods_)_ That's a shame.

**Loon: **_(_sighs_)_ Yeah.

**Poltroon:** Hmmmmm

**Loon:** But let's not lament over it.

**June + Poltroon:** No.

**Loon:** It's not worth it, after all.

**June:** Suppose not.

**Loon:** Only could've made us billions.

**June + Poltroon:** Yeah.

All three sigh.


	3. quadruple barrelled ingrowing toenail

**Another sunny day in Glam-Moron House. Loon has in ingrowing toenail, which he says is paining him quite substantially (in truth, he's just a wuss when it comes to pain).**

**Loon:** I neeeeeeeed painkillers! Paracetamol, ibuprofen, ibuprofen lysene, codeine, aspirin, caffeine, acetaminophen, morphine, naproxen sodium, valium, Holsten Pills, uppers, downers, sidewayers, forwarders, backwarders, painkillers, Lucy in the Sky eating Dorito's; anything that will stop this unbearable paaaaaaiiiiin!

**Poltroon:** Well if you need it, do it! They will try to stop you. They will condemn you. They will put every obstacle in your way. But you must not be deterred! NEVER GIVE IT UP!

**Loon:** And I never will! I will go down with the ship that is painkillers!

**June:** You know, an altered perception of the world is the best way to be.

**Loon:** I'm not necessarily talking about an altered perception; I just want this pain to end! I don't care how!

**Poltroon:** It's just an ingrowing toenail. In the grand scheme of things-

**Loon: **It is NOT merely an ingrowing toenail! It is an excruciatingly, agonizingly painful ingrowing toenail.

**June: **First name, Toenail. Middle name, painful. Surname, Royal-Ascot.

**Loon:** No; make that Excruciatingly-Agonizing-Royal-Ascot.

**Poltroon: **Quadruple barrelled.

**June:** Muth-ah frack-ah.

**Poltroon: **That's one seriously hardcore ingrowing toenail.

**Loon:** See? I speak the truth, people. I'm the omniscient loon in the moon and I know these things.

**Poltroon:** OK then, you tell us what omniscient means and we'll try to think of a witty comment.

**Loon:** You've gotten to this stage of your life not knowing what the word omniscient means?

JUNE and POLTROON shrug.

**June: **I've heard it's something to do with God, but every time I went near a church to try and find out, someone came charging at me with a burning crucifix and yelling unintelligibles about Satan.

**Poltroon:** I had exactly the same problem. I guess they can smell the moron on us. It must be unholy.

**June:** On second thoughts I think it was my deodorant. I used to wear formaldehyde just for laughs. And maybe your shoes stunk.

**Poltroon: **Those shoes were an evolutionary experiment, thank you very much. If they'd survived the Great Purge via Attention Deficit Pomeranian Fluffball, I would have been tipped for the Nobel Prize.

**Loon:** I need painkillers! Now now now!

**Poltroon:** Ever tried St. John's Wort?

**Loon:** Uh? You can't relieve pain with warts, especially St. Johns!

**Poltroon:** Course you can! But heh, if warts don't happen to be the answer for you, how about trying pimples or acne or mouth ulcers then?

**Loon:** Cheers, I'll bear that in mind. OH I NEED PAINKILLERS! painkillers painkillers painkillers painkillers red and yellow and pink and green, orange and purple and blue painkillers, rainbow painkillers, fruity painkillers, jelly painkillers, chewy painkillers, chalky painkillers, sweet painkillers, salty painkillers! And last but not least, my burning desire for painkillers!

**June:** Oh, and painkillers. Can't forget those now can we!

**Loon:** Sometimes I wish I could! Some people say I have a one track mind, but they're wrong! I have plenty of tracks: one type of painkillers, another type of painkillers, another 'nother type of painkillers, another 'nother 'nother type of painkillers...

**Poltroon:** And dogfish. Just for the randomness.

**Loon:** Look, I'm over that, alright?! SHIT! Why did you have to remind me again, eh?! (Starts to sob) Life's never been the same since Delia the dogfish went to live in the sewers!

LOON sulks.

**Poltroon:** I never even knew you had a dogfish.

**Loon:** I didn't. I had a rhino once, though. A scale model rhino, wearing a kilt.

**June: **(covers eyes and ears) Aaaarrrrggghhhh noooooo the colours! The tartan rhinos! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!

**Poltroon:** Eh?

**Loon:** Sorry, acid flashbacks screw my head. Please, for the sake of my sanity, don't mention rhinos.

**Poltroon:** Aaaarrrrgghhhh nooooo the pink feathers and dancing bunnies!

**Loon:** Wha?

**Poltroon:** Acid flashbacks screw my head too.

**Loon:** Ah. They're a right bugger aren't they. Almost as much of a bugger as THE LACK OF PAINKILLERS AROUND HERE!

**Poltroon:** Oh absolutely. June, let's go and fish for some.

**June:** In the magical stream of narcotic bliss.

**Loon:** (to the tune of Oleta Adams' "Get Here") I don't care how you get them, just.. get them if you can. (sings in a random tune) And if on your quest you are faced with daunting opposition, never fail to use the f word! The f word always comes in handy!

**June:** Handy what? Handy Andies? Handy packs of three? Handy pocket-size?

**Poltroon: **I think he means the f word is always useful when faced with daunting opposition.

**Loon:** (still singing) That's about it.

**June: **Please stop singing.

**Loon: **Why? What's wrong with it? Am I not an excellent singer?

**June:** You sing beautifully, dear.

**Poltroon:** yes. Like the breath of angels.

**June: **I just don't see why you're singing when talking is perfectly adequate.

**Loon:** (death metal voice) HOW ABOUT LIKE THIS?

JUNE and POLTROON cover their ears.

**Loon: **I GUESS NOT! (normal voice) Sorry. This hardcore ingrowing toenail is getting to me. It's warping my fragile mind. So go! Go! Time is of the essence! And don't forget to use the f word!

**June:** What - you mean fraggles?

**Loon:** No, it's not fraggles.

**Poltroon:** Is it, errrrr, French?

**Loon:** No, it's not French either. Come on, you know it!

**June + Poltroon: **(look confused) Do we?

**Loon:** Yes, it begins with F, obviously, ends with T, and has an ERRE in the middle)

**Poltroon: **(thinks hard) Errrrrmmmmm…is it, errrr, Frankinstein?

**Loon:** Nope.

**June:** Federal?

**Loon:** Nope.

**Poltroon:** Fallacious?

**Loon:** Well it would be if it had a bloody s at the end, but it doesn't so you'll have to keep guessing.

**June:** Errrrmmmmmm…

**Loon:** Oh for God's sake! You're a remedial! Do I have to spell it out for you?! F.E.R.R.E.T FERRET! There! I've gone and said it now! Ferret ferret ferret ferret ferret ferret ferret aaagggghhhhh!

**Poltroon: **Is it that time of the month for you then?


End file.
